Being assertive can improve your workload.
It's 4.30pm on Friday and the report you've been working on for a week is almost finished. With a bit of luck, you'll soon be out the door and soaking away all the late nights at the office this week with a long hot bath.
But as you head to the kitchen to top up your coffee one last time, you are cornered by a co-worker who needs you to dive into a fresh pile of work, pronto. You've got your back to the cupboards, a mug of hot liquid in one hand and the last of the chocolate biscuits in the other. How on Earth are you going to get out of this unscathed?
Shoving the biscuit in your mouth, spilling the coffee over the offending party and making a run for it could be considered a valid option but you have another trick up your sleeve - assertiveness. And this doesn't mean slamming your fist onto the table, initiating an arm wrestle, or screaming your opponent into submission.
Assertiveness is simply standing up for yourself without any excuses or explanations, says Eve Ash, a psychologist, filmmaker and co-author of self-help book
Rewrite Your Life.
"Assertiveness is essentially a calm statement of what you want, need and your rights," Ash says. "That includes the right to say no if something is unsuitable, unfair, or crosses your boundaries, and the right to make a request - for instance, if you work near someone who does something that distresses you or interrupts your work."
One of the traps many people fall into when trying to be assertive is making excuses and justifications but these aren't helpful, Ash says. Instead, try focusing on the other person's needs ("Can I have five minutes to think about the best way to help you with this?"), or using the tone of a negotiator.
"Rather than add an excuse, go into a discussion of priorities," she says. "For instance, say: 'Let's re-evaluate - we need to do X, Y, and Z. If you need me to do Z now, I'll have to drop Y.' This way it appears as more of a negotiation and discussion rather than an outright refusal."
Body language is also a big part of being assertive - it is important to maintain eye contact and a relaxed, confident tone and posture.
"If people are nervous, they tend to look down and away, or fidget because they think they are saying something unpopular," Ash says.
"Or, if they are frustrated and angry, they may raise their voice and use aggressive language.
"An assertive person is calm and relaxed, with a measured tone and an upright posture."
But if face-to-face confrontation does make you nervous and you can foresee problems with a particular person - perhaps about work tasks and deadlines - try sending them an email in advance, stating what you can do and when, and what you can't do and why.
This way they are well informed and you can negotiate and prioritise now rather than at the last minute or when you are busy and stressed.
Mastering assertiveness can take time but is well worth the effort, Ash says.
"Non-assertive people tend to carry their upsets around and stew on them, which leads to stress and anxiety," she says.
"But if you can speak up about your concerns, you'll be healthier and more relaxed and you'll be able to leave your mind free for the fun and creative challenges in life."
Or at the very least for coffee and biscuits, a finished report and a nice hot bath.
